Dr. Simmi Gurwara
Psychologists, therapists, and other communication experts invariably talk about the positives of being a good listener. General assumption is that usually we are all good listeners or so do we like to believe but actually most of use are not. We are not listening most of the times. Many people at work are used to talking and telling rather than listening and learning. The reason may not be attributed to slackness or lack of commitment. It’s just that we find it cumbersome for it demands focused attention. And secondly good listening demands practice as any other skill does.
Listening, contrary to a common perception, is an incredibly complex skill to master. There are technical aspects of listening, such as giving feedback, making eye contact, asking open-ended questions, and not interrupting the speaker. Listening is anything but a passive, neutral activity. Many active processes are taking place within the listener—if s/he is listening well. Listening is not just hearing the words people utter. Had it been so, we could train computers to do the job. But listening to human beings involves much more which computers will never do or any latest technology for that matter. It involves not just accurately listening to what people say, but getting a sense of who they are, how they view life, what they want to accomplish, what concerns they have, what they’re afraid of, how they’re feeling, what they want from us, and much more which a devout listener can make out. It even involves listening to what people aren’t directly saying, or what they might be too hesitant to say.
As they say and truly so that we were given two ears but only one mouth because God knew that listening was twice as hard as talking. The power to listen is a remarkably sensitive skill that makes interpersonal communication truly effective and rewarding for all concerned. Being a good listener has commercial value. Thousands of strikes and bad relationship of all kinds could be skirted if managers would listen when resentments develop. A good listener “reads between the lines” to get the full meaning. Bad listening spawns trouble at all levels of business. It is a real handicap to every top executives and businessman because their affairs are largely conducted by spoken word. The cost and consequences of not listening well are high indeed. Very often, a verbal misunderstanding can be traced back to a single source-lack of good listening. Good listeners are active listeners who pay minute attention to every verbal and non-verbal cue. Good listening, thus, is akin to active listening which is a communication technique that requires the listener to understand, interpret, and evaluate what s/he hears. The ability to listen actively can improve personal as well as professional relationships through reducing and resolving conflicts, extending and strengthening cooperation, and fostering understanding. Active listening makes the speaker feel worthy, appreciated, interesting, and respected. When we listen, we foster the skill in others by acting as a model for positive and effective communication.
Listeners need only restate, in their own language, their impression of the expression of the sender. Listening is generally used as an overall label for the complex of physiological, neurological, and psychological factors involved in the understanding and retention of verbal materials presented in spoken form. In a sense, it is a combination of what we hear, what we understand, and what we remember. Just as parents listening to their kids help build their self-esteem, in the business world, listening saves time and money by preventing misunderstandings. And we always learn more when we listen than when we talk. Listening skills fuel our social, emotional and professional success, and studies prove that listening is a skill we can learn. Ironically, as our listening skills improve, so does our aptitude for conversation.
It takes a lot concentration and determination to be an active listener. Old habits are hard to break, and if our listening habits are as bad as many people’s are, then there’s a lot of habit-breaking to do! It is good to be deliberate with our listening and remind ourselves frequently that our goal is to truly listen to what the other person is saying. We must set aside all other thoughts and behaviors and concentrate on the message; ask questions, reflect, and paraphrase to ensure we understand the message. If we don’t, then we find that what someone says to use and what we listen can be amazingly different. Perceptive listening is a conscious, cognitive effort involving primarily the sense of hearing reinforced by other senses and leading to understanding. When perceptive listening is inspired by the sincere desire to understand, it becomes more than a sensory process. It is an attitude well expressed as “a listening spirit.” Only through this kind of imaginative sharing in the phenomenological world of another person can one really sense how events appear to him and how he feels about them.
All elements of communication, including listening, may be affected by barriers that can impede the flow of information. Such barriers include distractions, trigger words, limited vocabulary, and meager attention span. Listening barriers may be psychological (e.g. emotions) or physical (e.g. noise and visual distraction). Cultural differences including speakers’ accents, vocabulary, and misunderstandings due to cultural assumptions often obstruct the listening process. Frequently, the listener’s personal interpretations, attitudes, and stereotyping lead to ineffective or failed communication. A more important collection of obstacles to listening includes : prejudging, or jumping to the conclusion that the other person’s meaning is understood before it is fully expressed; ambiguity or the possibility that the idea expressed is open to more than one interpretation; and related to both of these, the illusion that effective communication has taken place. These obstacles are especially insidious because they are difficult to detect, and, in some instances, seem to reinforce the conviction of perceptive listening when; in fact, the opposite is the case.
Listening skills are not inborn or “automatic”, they must be cultivated, consciously refined, and practiced. People differ considerably in their skill as listeners. Some of us are able to follow the speaker’s ideas more easily than others; some of us are quicker to catch errors in inference or to note deficiencies in evidence. Listening skills do differ considerably from person to person and are, therefore, a significant variable in sharing and conditioning at all kinds of speech transactions and human relationships. Good communication skills require a high level of self-awareness. By understanding our personal style of communicating, we can afford to go a long way towards creating good and lasting impressions with others. Listening being one of the four skills of language needs to be practiced and acquired to be a good communicator otherwise there is no difference, practically, between a passive listener and a dartboard. Living in a vibrant democracy, the sooner we practice active and empathetic listening, the better it would be.
